Wedding season is upon us and everyone is either dress and suit shopping, dieting or planning a once-in-a-lifetime event. However, a bridezilla is inescapable in any ceremony and may I remind you an Arab bride monster is like no other bride-gone-rogue, for she has tons of makeup that will melt like an avalanche drowning us all.
To prevent ruining your best friend’s wedding, there are some wedding taboos you should definitely avoid.
Never wear a white dress
This is an unspoken oath between Arab females. For years, we have stayed away from the white gown, just in case the bride feels violent when someone tries to rain on her parade.
Only recently, we started subtly approaching them once again. If you are going for white, don’t wear a bigger dress than the bride.
Never stuff your face at the buffet
Avoid red sauce food as it will leave a stain and FYI you get caught on camera while filling your plate with unnecessary food, mainly protein.
Please eat before leaving the house, because your suits and dresses are at risk of explosion; besides, leftovers on your plate is so 1995.
Never tell the bride who should catch the bouquet
You can feel as sorry as you want for your single friend or relative, but guess what? The bride doesn’t have to share your sympathy. Please stop whispering in her ear who should go home with the flowers and a false illusion of a nearby proposal.
Never tell the bride’s older sister 3o2balek
The last thing the older sister needs is a reminder of her single status. Your comment only insinuates that she is missing out on something, just smile, maybe tell an awkward joke and walk away.
Never ask the DJ to play a song
Again, this is not 1995. DJs are divas now. It is more of an insult if you ask them to change the music. Avoid the DJ, for he is an artist, not your iPod.
Never gossip next to the video camera
If you have something awful to say about the wedding like how ugly the bride’s dress is, do it away from the video camera. Next thing you know, you are on the big screen with a disgusted face and everyone is reading your lips.
Never tell the bride to relax on her first night as a married woman
Arab women are usually afraid of the first night’s mystery. Don’t try to share your horrific experiences, some things are better left unsaid.
Never cramp the belly dancer’s personal space
Don’t be one of those men who circle the half-naked belly dancer with their phones up in the air. People would only assume you are recording something for your own personal and private pleasure later on.
Never kiss the bride’s cheeks
The bride spends thousands to have a perfect skin tone on her most memorable night. Imagine how she feels when you innocently start kissing and staining her cheeks with your cheap lip gloss. Stay away from her skin if you want to survive a death glare.
Never bring your kids
Kids running around and throwing tantrums on the dance floor are the two most annoying things in the world. Just because the married couple didn’t want to add the infamous line “Leave your kids in bed” in the wedding invitation, you ignore the obvious.
Never drink sharbat next to the bride
Do you know what happens when you spill the red juice on the wedding dress? You DIE.
Never wear stilettos at beach and garden weddings
Stilettos in sand or mud have three consequences: constant complaining, ruining your shoes for life and spending the last two hours of the party barefoot.
Never ask the bride for a dance if you’ve never met her husband
Guys, we are Arabs and Arab men rarely accept the bride’s boy friends. It is in their genes and that is how they were made. It is an unexplained territorial mental issue.
Never leave your hair down in an outdoor summer wedding
If you want to avoid looking like one of Mostafa Amar’s 90s video clip models, never allow humidity to interfere with your social well-being.
Never tell the bride or groom you are leaving early, just disappear
How many times have you left a wedding early to catch another wedding? Newsflash: The bride will never notice you left unless you are the bridesmaid or there are less than 50 people invited. Just pull a David Copperfield and disappear smoothly.
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