What is love? What are the dynamics of initiating a relationship? When does it happen? Do I have to be hot or cold? Do I have to show interest or play it calm? Is it really about energies? I mean, do I have a hand in it or does it just happen? Is my soulmate an urban myth? If no, then where the hell is she hiding?
Are you out there? Hello? Is there anyone here? Can you hear me?
HELP ME! I’M STUCK.
AGGHHHHHH PLEASE HELP ME I’VE BEEN STUCK HERE FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS!
*a distant soothing voice*: Yes, son, we can hear you.
Oh my God! Is there are a way out of this dark hollow?
Just relax and try to enjoy your stay here.
Is this hell? Where are we? Who are you?
No, we’re not in hell. You’re in the friendzone. I’m a friendzone veteran.
Yep, been there, done that. Several times actually. You too, I know it. Your friends know it. Even your mom knows it. Literally everyone knows it. Chill. It’s fine. I’m here to help. I don’t have all the answers, but I can offer some. I’m so experienced in this territory you can’t imagine.
The Nice Guy and the Asshole
“I was going through the profile of a friend of mine. I saw a photo of him with two other guys; one of them had a very nice-looking beard. It was the beard that caught my eye.
I jokingly told my friend to introduce us, but he took it seriously and told his friend about me. The guy added me on Facebook and we started chatting.
We talked and I opened up. I was going through a hard time and I knew he was kind and would be nice to me when I opened up so I didn’t worry.
We talked every day for three months. During that time, we met only once and after that he had the comfort to confess his feelings.
I ignored his feelings and went on with this friendship like nothing had occurred. A month later, a friend of mine was talking about her parents and that she thinks that her father could be cheating on her mother. That day, I felt that if I ever ended up with this guy, he couldn’t cheat on me. He’s a good guy. He would never do that to his wife.
That night, we were talking and I told him I trusted him so much that I could marry him. I was dumb, I admit it. He assumed it was an invitation to confess his feelings, again. He said he was in love with me and I untruthfully said that I do, too.
And then it hit me, he was never going to leave. I was terrified that the one I’m going to end up with is him. But this wasn’t the one I waited for, I thought. He was more than enough, but he wasn’t the one I expected.
He listened to me whenever I felt like talking. He was patient and kind all the time. He never disappointed me or let me down. He even had an inspiring relationship with God. But he was not the one. Perfect isn’t always perfect.
I didn’t want to have a guy tell me he loved me and turn him down right away. So, I turned him down two hours later.
Two weeks later, he said he couldn’t deal with us being just friends. I told him one day he’ll find a girl who’s right for him and we never spoke again.
Nine months ago, I met a guy – in real life – who is also a friend of a friend. He’s nice, kind and patient, also a good listener, but not all the time. I tell you, the days he ignores me are the days I want him the most. If it weren’t for those days, I wouldn’t have been head over heels about him.”
-M.R.
You just met and you’re impressed by her mere existence. She’s perfect for you. She’s smart, pretty and interesting; she’s the whole package. You play it slow while showing her signs. You pay for her coffee, you give her your jacket when she’s feeling cold, you text her “good morning” every day, you even reserve a table at her favorite restaurant on a Thursday night for her to go out with her girlfriends.
You do everything. And BAM she’s telling you can never be more than friends. Or worse, she’s talking to you about her new crush who is obviously not you.
You’re wrecked and you don’t know where you went wrong. Thing is, you probably didn’t. She just never saw you in that way. You were too nice. Yep, that’s a thing. Girls tend to fall for assholes. Guys, too, by the way; it’s pure science.
And don’t ask me why – c’est la vie. It’s not your fault, it’s not hers either. It happens; blame it on energies, blame it on expectations, it just happens.
No, it’s not because you’re fat
“I haven’t figured out quite yet the reason why I keep getting sent back to the friendzone, I usually just blame it on my weight or my sarcasm, maybe my hair? Who knows. It gets so frustrating and depressing when I’m surrounded by so many hugs and cuddles, cute texts and flowers, yet they never come my way.
I’m stuck with all the ‘Yo’s’ and the ‘Sup’s’. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I get the rare, ‘Show me your tits’ or the ‘Man, I wanna fuck your brains out’, which may be considered to some as downright flattering, but after spending a large portion of your dating life hearing just that, it starts to take a toll on you.
You feel like a pair of boobs on legs getting the random squeeze from passersby who don’t even realize that maybe, just maybe, you could be a person, an interesting one, maybe.
I’ll tell you one of my most embarrassing stories:
He goes out of his way to buy me the Florence Welch signature birdcage ring. Mind you, there was no special occasion, just a grand gesture out of the blue and I had only known him for a month at the time.
Naturally, I was over the moon. Anyone who knows me knows that Florence Welch is my very own cliché celebrity obsession. Upon expressing my gratitude, my bewilderment at the whole situation – and my compulsion to just plain and simply slam a slobbery kiss on his mouth.
I was given the following – extremely depressing, I might add – reaction: ‘NOOO! I love you so much and I love talking to you a lot and all but you’re like my sister!’
Gee, thanks, I didn’t know I was THAT repulsive.
Ah well, at least I have my cats, right?
I’ll go back to my spot now.”
– Y.A.
Your low self-worth hinders any sort of affection towards you. If you don’t love yourself enough, no one will. If you are not willing to walk the distance and accept yourself the way you are, no one will walk such a dicey road. We tend to underestimate ourselves thinking that it’s sexy. The whole “kiss me til I’m me again” doesn’t work, this is not tumblr.
It’s not because you are fat, it’s because you think you are fat. As cliché as this may sound, but you have to love yourself with all your flaws in order to be loved.
Mom, I friendzoned myself
“I consider myself lucky when it comes to my social circles, I know way too many people. I’m literally a social butterfly. I’m introduced to a lot of people on daily basis, some of them are meh, and others are woah. And I come along with everyone so easily, it scares me sometimes. We exchange numbers and all that jazz effortlessly.
In less than a week, we’ve already added/followed each other on every single social network out there. It impresses my friends how smooth I get to know people. They’re not so fond of what happens next, though.
The story lasts for few weeks where we share intimate bits of our lives. We go out for coffee, have brunch, lunch, movie dates, you name it. We even exchange kisses, maybe more, if I’m lucky. But things stop here. Things fade rapidly.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do I miss the spark? Someone stole my mojo? Maybe I am too annoying? Do I impose myself too much? I mean, I never force anyone to know me, but they almost never pick me for the next step. And when I ask for more, I always get the-but-we-are-just-friends reply.
It gets super exhausting and repetitive after a while. I can’t handle the rejection anymore, so I almost never try to take it to the next level with anyone even if I’m interested. I friendzone myself before I get friendzoned. It’s like my new ritual. I do it like every other month now.”
– M.E.
Expectations usually fuck up one’s perception of things, as well as the energy they project. If you are too comfortable in the friendzone, you’re stuck. You must break the routine while dealing with someone you’re interested in. I’m not saying this out of personal experience, I know nothing, I always friendzone myself and I have no clue how people make those cute gestures that get the other person interested.
But I’m surrounded by a lot of people who are properly dating or are actually together and I can tell they dealt with their shit differently. I don’t know how they do it, but they subtly show how much they care while being sweet and tender.
Sharing your inner monologue
“This guy has loved me for more than 10 years now. But I never loved him back. He’s actually my cousin. I consider him a close friend and tell him all about my life, my friends and even my love issues. He does, too.
I know he loves me but I still friendzone him. I know I’m too bad for him and I sometimes feel sorry for him. I just can’t love him back even though I know he’s right for me and the one who might do anything just to make me feel good.”
– S.S.
She opens up, she talks about everything and you are her Dr. Phil. You try to figure out her issues with her friends, her past lovers, her weaknesses and how to fix them. And then you feel obliged to share your inner monologue and how you feel about your exes, your feelings and expectations.
It goes downhill from here, she doesn’t see you anymore. The mystery is lost. She knows everything now. You’re done. It’s not necessarily your cynicism, nope, and no, you’re not repelling. Chin up, bro. But the chase is gone. She has the keys now. She is in power.
Be yourself (but no, not like that)
“A couple of years ago I had an ugly breakup. Since then, I haven’t been letting anyone into my life. It was easy for me, I simply friendzoned every guy I met. I actually lost count of the guys I met and they were interested yet I gave them the cold shoulder.
And then this guy came along… This charming, handsome, and genuinely funny guy. One of the few people with whom I enjoyed having a conversation. We started going out often and things were escalating in my head against my desire.
I don’t know where this came from, but one time during a chill conversation, he said, ‘You know I’m not looking for anything and I’m not the serious type of guy, right?’ I replied instantly, ‘Obviously, I know. I’m not looking for anything, either.’
It confused me big time and I didn’t know what to do. So next day, I went cuckoo and called him up asking him to meet up for coffee. I wanted to tell him everything once and for all. He replied, ‘No, you don’t want to see me. You should figure out things on your own. I know you will.’ And then he hung up. And he was right.
The whole thing was kinda traumatizing. It felt like a wake up call for me. Things were clear all of a sudden, it was obviously karma. But I knew that I shouldn’t let anyone in again so I don’t get hurt. I know it’s not right to friendzone people, but it’s just easier, I can’t handle such a situation any time soon.”
– N.A.
That’s a tricky one. When you’re introduced to someone interesting, you tend to try to impress. You dress nicely. You act so composed yet crack jokes all the time. It’s good, it’s perfect actually, but that’s not necessarily you. Thing is, everyone does that. It’s not a turn off. No. But you’re just losing your actual essence.
She’ll think you’re likeable and all, but just friend material. If only you knew how to stay true to yourself and not force it. Not trying too hard to seem interesting is essential to be properly interesting. It’s a dilemma, I know. But just focus on being yourself, but not too much.
You shouldn’t sweat being friendzoned. And you definitely shouldn’t try to force things to happen. If the other person doesn’t see you being more than a friend, it’s not your fault. Stop analyzing the signs, if they’re interested they will tell you.
Because, let’s be honest, you really don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your ass. You don’t want to be with someone who thinks you’re not enough.
WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss Can a Guy and a Girl Ever Be JUST Friends?.
